I'm so new to this whole adoptee journey and connecting with others and learning all the verbiage. Even the transracial thing was like, oh yeah, there's got to be a word for that, right? But what I thought was “open,” was just like, you know, you're adopted. As simple as that. Because, I had early in my life, come across other adopted kids, and even watching TV, I heard of people that didn't know they were adopted. And that was always a common question – I think I would probably say the number two question I'd always get. The first one was always, “do you know your real parents or your biological parents?” And the second one is always “did you always know you were adopted?” So, I thought it was crazy when I first heard that someone would not know they were. But then I think about, oh, if it's interracial, you know versus transracial that could be definitely confusing. So, yeah, the term open adoption, I was like, “Oh yeah, I know I’m adopted.” But what I learned is a little less common to not know you’re adopted.
That blew my mind. I was like, what? You didn't even know – you just found out one day. I was like, I like I would have known. Like even in the weirdness of wondering if it was still real, just that the transracial thing was enough to be like, okay, yeah, I believe the story.
Growing up. I would say I felt like [my adoption] was quote, unquote, almost made up. It was an interesting point to talk about, something that people ask about. I was always ready with the answer, but really, it was almost like an automated response. I was born in Honduras. I've known since I was blah, blah blah. But, growing up, now, it's, like I said, I think the biggest, the best, and easiest way to describe it is, it is very confusing. And I assume that as I grow older, it will make more sense.
I'd say this is probably my “hardest time” with life because, growing up, I was all about being with the boys, friends’ friends, but not, you know, taking into account the nature of the fact that I was the only person who look like I did. And, you know, 99.9% of the situations I was in, not realizing the effect that had, where I stand, because I always felt a little bit of a distance from the Hispanic Community because yeah, I'm not culturally like them. So, I feel like right now, it's just like, yeah, I'm still wondering like where do I exactly fit?
It’s kinda like you just realized, you know, specifically being in America, what it means. When you come out of the fog, so to speak and you realize that, you know, it's not a perfect world that you live in and people act a certain way for a certain reason. And I always talk about this when I do talk about race or any type of issue with my parents. I'm like, "man, I feel like, yeah, it would be a lot easier if I just wasn't a minority because then I wouldn't have to deal with these things."
And even if I was a minority that grew up around other minorities, I feel that would be a little bit different, too, because having seen the “other side of the fence.”
Things start to open up to you and your just like you start to question little things. My parents, you know, I even see like some of the “sheltering” and I realized Yeah, my parents were born in the 50s, like, they grew up in the 60s. Interracial marriage was just legal then. So, they were very cautious with me. My name is Kyle. There's no coincidence.
There was a group of adopted kids, they had a chance to kind of let me meet up with. And I don't begrudge them of anything, but they chose not to do that. They did have me try to do Spanish lessons, but the point was yeah, you know, they've admitted they wanted me to fit in as much as I could not knowing that unbeknownst to them that it just, it wasn't going to happen.
Of course, I'm gonna fit in… People are going to see past. But just realizing, you know, one of my first girlfriends, I went in to her house to meet her dad the first day and after that, nope, not even allowed on the property and then, not even allowed on that block. So, I learned at a young age that it's not all glitz and glamour as my mother would have loved to believe. But she even got a little bit wiser through the years. And I was just starting to realize what it is. And like I said, it's just a unique challenge that you're dealt with. But I definitely love the fact that I did see, both sides of the fence so to speak, because now I can try to bridge that gap between those areas.
If I could go back, I would just say be reticent, be present, and pay attention. Be wary of what's right in front of your eyes. Really look at what is right in front of you and ask yourself the simple questions because you're going to find answers there that you're not even looking for that will help you, you know, to move “more appropriately,” and help your yourself emotionally, and maybe find yourself quicker or avoid some of the obstacles – pitfalls – that obviously, you know, I went through. The way I view life, I don't view regrets, but hypothetically, speaking I believe we’re meant to live every step we take and everything is a lesson learned.
Just give it time. I realized this is a journey. I'm 32 years old. I thought when I was 15, I knew everything. Now. I'm like, you know, holy crap, if I do what I'm supposed to do and live a healthy life, this is maybe a third of my life so far. So, I'm understanding more. Epiphany days, so to speak, come up and they really do just happen, things just happen. I believe in God, so I just believe that things are meant to happen. And so, just relax. Calm down. Have every thought you need to. Go down those roads, but at the same time, protect your spiritual energy, make sure happiness is at the forefront. And just give it time. This is an open book. Chapters are still going to be written.